Daisy Chain

*This article is written largely from the female perspective but "she" can and often is just as interchangeable as "he".

"He loves me, he loves me not...." Often when a client comes to me asking, "should I stay? Is it worth it?" I can visualize them weighing their choice by the daisy petals they pull off, yet, somehow always managing to land on, "he loves me".

Let's cover a few things about what love is: love is gentle, kind, not envious, it is forgiving, and it is not selfish. Now this is ideal love, there is no one on this planet that is all of these things all of the time but if you find yourself asking, "should I stay?", why are you asking that? I rarely tell a client straight-out "yes" or "no", except in extreme circumstances, my role is as a bystander. I am here to show you available paths and likely outcomes based on where you and your partner currently are. But if someone, especially early on, exhibits behavior that is rude, demeaning, neglectful, selfish, or careless, chances are that behavior will continue and will worsen. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. (Allowing room for change and people who truly transform, of course, but we are creatures of habit.)

The last thought I want to leave you with on this is: We teach people how to treat us. If you stay when someone is mean, degrading, selfish, or any number of inappropriate and unhealthy actions for a good, solid relationship, and they continually repeat that behavior, you are signaling to them that it is okay for them to run over you like that. Never stay for fear of being alone or because someone has convinced you that this person is your one and only "soul mate". That's a topic for another article but this is a big, wide world, full of all kinds of people. There is someone else, someone caring, loving, and healthy for you out there. Why are you holding yourself back from finding them?


As hard as it may be, you often do not need me to answer the question of, "should I stay?" and you also don't need a daisy chain either.

Improbable Monsters

Improbable Monsters


Francisco Goya once said, "Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels."




Why do we live in a world where such horrible, heinous things happen? What drives mothers to kill their babies, men to go on gun rampages and kill dozens of innocents, evil people to kidnap, molest, rape, torture, and kill the most innocent around us? Just in the last month, the news has been full of such stories. There was the shooting rampage at Fort Hood, Texas, Little girl walking home in Florida who was later found in a landfill in Georgia, two days later a girl in Missouri walking home from a friend's house was killed by a 15 year old . In the last year and a half, the news has been wrought with the news of Casey Anthony, currently in jail in Florida on charges of murdering her two year old daughter Caylee, storing the decomposing body in the trunk of her car for days, and then disposing of it in trash bags just yards from her own home. And the one that sticks in my mind and consciousness the most, the story of Nixzmary Brown who was brutally beaten, repeatedly for years, then beaten, her head smashed into the tub faucet, and drowned, by her step-father, while her mother watched. The reason for her severe “punishment”? She took a yogurt from the refrigerator without asking and allegedly broke the computer printer.


The heinousness is often written off as too horrible to be understood and many of us swear the world is becoming more evil by the day. If we do not attempt to understand, to diagnose, how can we hope to prevent future crimes of this nature? Then again, perhaps we cannot understand evil, apart from a malfunction or imbalance in the brain and our goal should be to prevent it, find evil, stop it. I do not believe the world is becoming more evil, I believe the size of the world increases the chances of such heinous incidents and the advent of the internet, television, radio, and newspapers have allowed for the spread, awareness, and notification of all of the horrible things that happen in this world.


Be aware of what’s going on around you. How many of these lives could have been saved had only someone stepped in? We will never curb evil, put it to a complete halt, but we can work to protect the weakest amongst us and can seek out with a rightful justice those who perpetrate such crimes. It is our duty to our fellow brothers and sisters (everyone in our community, the global community) to do so.


"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels. “ Francisco Goya

Drawing Love Into Your Life

Drawing Love Into Your Life

Remember the movie from the late 1990’s Runaway Bride with Julie Roberts? She was running from yet another relationship, hopped on a FedEx truck and the humorous comment was made that no one knew where she was going, but she’d be there by 10:30am the next day.

It would be nice if life worked that way but it doesn’t. If you are lonely and wanting someone to come into your life, you cannot sit at home and wait for God, UPS, of FedEx to hand deliver the perfect person to your door. When you are lonely and seeking a relationship, the matter of finding someone to be with can seem hopeless, the wait eternal. It can be quite depressing but sitting at home will not help, even with the advent of internet dating, you need to take charge of your life, take decisive action, take measures to meet people.

So if the internet is not your thing and you’d like to meet someone in a “real” environment where (hopefully) you can judge and ascertain a little more about them, how do you do it? Think of hobbies and interests you enjoy. You don’t have to already be involved, get involved. If you love cooking, sign up for a cooking class. If you love wine, go to winery tours and wine tastings. If you love food, find local restaurants that place large groups of people at banquet style tables and offer amuse bouche tastings. Go to book stores or poetry readings, local art performances where people present their own works. There are so many options other than the internet, although that is still an option.

So, this week, get involved in something you love and you just may meet your Julia Roberts or Richard Gere, just not showing up at your door courtesy of FedEx.

Narcissistic Personalty

The wold is full of narcissistic people. Perhaps you know one, live with one, work with one, perhaps you are one. Dr. Duane Dobbert (2007) states, "Both PDs present extreme egocentricity to the exclusion of others. They believe they are the smartest, the most attractive, most influential, and thus "better" than anyone else. Others fall into a 2nd class position and consequently the PDs believe that they are entitled."

Let us look a little closer at what a narcissist is. America's Mental Health Channel (2008) defines narcissism as, "A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition." Furthermore, the article states that most narcissist are men (75%) and belongs to the same group of personality disorders as Borderline, Antisocial, and Histrionic (America's Mental Health Channel, 2008).

Dr. Duane Dobbert (2007) notes the similarities between an antisocial personality disorder and a narcissistic personality disorder. Dobbert (2007) states:

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

NPD is a type of psychological personality disorder characterized primarily by grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. Narcissism occurs in a spectrum of severity, but the pathologically narcissistic tend to be extremely self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ perspectives, insensitive to others’ needs and indifferent to the effect of their own egocentric behavior.

What is Antisocial Personality Disorder?

APD (aka ASPD) is a psychological personality disorder characterized by lack of empathy or conscience, a difficulty controlling impulses and manipulative behaviors. This disorder is sometimes also referred to as psychopathy or sociopathy, however, Antisocial Personality Disorder is the clinical terminology used for diagnosis (APA 2000).


So many believe they are entitled to good fortune, luck, wealth, a good job, the perfect romance, the picture perfect life. But the reality is, no one is. The reality is that to get the things listed above, it is very little about luck and very much about sound decisions, decisive action, and hard work.

Are your narcissistic tendencies holding you back? Do you feel entitled to the perfect job, the perfect mate, to coming into large amounts of money, to recognition, popularity...the list goes on. The best way you can change your life is to do what it takes (even counseling) to dump narcissistic tendencies, take responsibility for your actions and in-actions and begin seizing these things you feel "entitled" to through hard work and most importantly, time.

References

Dobbert, D. (2007). Similarities Between Antisocial & Narcissism. Retrieved on November 7, 2009, from Suite101.com

Vaknin, S. (2008). Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Retrieved on November 7, 2009 from America's Mental Health Channel.

Understanding Our Clients, Understanding Ourselves

To better help our clients, we need to have some understanding of where they are coming from and why they do the things they do. Many of us have clients who repeatedly do the same things, expecting different results, and then wonder why their lives are in the states they are. While sympathy for our clients is a necessity and empathy is an even bigger bonus, we need to be able to reach our clients on a deeper level to get to the root of why they do what they do. One way to define an action (or set of actions) is through a term called schemas. “Schemas are habitual ways in which you see things” (Leahy, R. 2003). A person can have a schema related to love, success, failure, weight, self-image or a multitude of other things. Often in the spirituality section, I would argue we get one main set of clients with love/relationships as their schema, followed by success/finances.

We can help our clients by first identifying their schema and then, identifying how the client compensates for that particular schema. A person with a schema that they cannot be loved may overcompensate and become a doormat for anyone that comes their way. Or they may avoid serious relationships altogether to avoid getting hurt. An individual with a schema related to success in their career may either work excessively or may not try at all for fear of failure. Whatever the schema and whatever the compensatory action, finding what these are can help us lead our clients to more healthy ways of coping and dealing with life, leaving behind schemas that have bound them and kept them from success, fulfillment, and happiness.

Reference:

Leahy, R. (2003). Cognitive Therapy Techniques: A Practioner’s Guide. New York: Guilford Press.